Rape The Forgotten Word

20 Pages 5039 Words

high school, going to live with my mother.
During all this time, I had memories of earlier abuse. When I was perhaps 4 or 5, my father would call me in after he woke up from his nap in the afternoon (or whenever we were alone in the house) and, as some sort of sick ritual, would make me fondle his penis. I don't remember if there was any explanation on his part for this activity(as was to happen in later years), or even if he talked at all. Recently, I met someone, and finally began to have a normal, healthy relationship, when a memory surfaced after a sexual encounter. During these times with my father, he would ejaculate, sending me out of the room almost immediately after.
This realization was, to say the least, deeply disturbing. I was laying in bed with my boyfriend, and started crying uncontrollably. All he could do was ask me what was wrong, putting his arms around me, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do. And I didn't know either. The shock of this memory, its timing, and its vividness, left me at a loss to do much else but cry for what seemed like hours.
I am now 26 years old, and until moving in with my boyfriend, I was a virgin. Barely able to let anyone touch me in even the most benign way. If someone put a hand on my back, brushed my arm, I would jump practically out of my skin. I guess the reason I am adding this part to the story is to reassure those suffering still, possibly years after the abuse has stopped, that a normal life IS within reach. I thought that I would never be able to trust or love anyone (including myself) enough to ever find someone to be with. But that is not the case.
My basic message is this. Don't judge your experience against the experiences of others. Just because you were not raped in the traditional sense of the word, doesn't mean that your soul, your heart, your self image, and your self respect have not been violently ripped from you. But healing is possible, and within rea...