A Scholarly Interpretation Of EXODUS 7:10 - 12:30

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A rabble-rouser appeared before the almighty god Pharaoh today, his name was Moses. He claims to have been sent by the God of the Hebrews… as if such a thing would be believed! Pharaoh wished to see a miracle, and so told this wretched fellow as much. Moses then told his brother Aaron to throw down his staff, and turn it into a serpent. Simple parlor tricks! No sooner than had Aaron turned his staff into a snake than Pharaoh called upon our magicians and sorcerers to do the same. Soon, there were snakes everywhere! Then, and I fear for writing this – blaspheming is punishable by death – Aaron’s serpent began eating all of the others… one after another, it swallowed them whole. The god of the Hebrews power surpassed that of our own mighty Wadjet, who graces us on this earth in her form of the cobra. Her lethal force protects our Pharaoh, the great and mighty Pharaoh of Lower Egypt. By defeating Wadjet, Yahweh has taken the Pharaoh’s legal right to the throne! We cannot allow the general populace to hear of this, for fear that they would renounce the Pharaoh and take up arms against one another… it would be a rebellion, and would shake Egypt to the core! After seeing this, Pharaoh was angered – his heart became hard and he would not listen to Moses or Aaron.
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This morning, we followed the great Pharaoh out to the banks of the Nile. The self-proclaimed messenger of the Hebrew God was waiting for him there, with the same staff that he used to fool us with yesterday. As if there could be a God greater than any of ours! Moses forgot whom it was that he was addressing, and called out to Pharaoh as if he was a commoner: “My Lord has said to let my people go into the desert to worship, but you have not listened, and as such, will be punished.” The nerve! That was not all, though – he then claimed that he would turn the entire Nile River into blood, and that the fish would die, the river would stink, and we would not be...